I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
