And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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