The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
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the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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