Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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