so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
