Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
pray to the hookup gods
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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