Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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