I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
