this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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