When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
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