I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
