Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
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Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
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i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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