Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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