Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
