you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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