I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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