i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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