Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
