I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
