It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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