I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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