he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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