Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?