end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
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Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
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I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.