shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.