chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
