I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
