I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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