We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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