i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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