I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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