Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
