Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
