Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
When are your genitals available?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
