I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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