Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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