My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
