I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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