I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Randomize
