in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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