You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
