i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
