Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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