Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
