Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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