I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
