"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
i just had sex bonerless
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
