i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
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