I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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