if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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