JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
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Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
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I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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