dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
