I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
