he looks like a really good dad on facebook
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
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Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
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To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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