I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
