you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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