I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
