11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Randomize
